Abandoned. Who would want to feel that way? Have you ever been abandoned? I have. It I developed a fear in me – the fear of being abandoned. I took that fear with me as I grew up. It grew worse when I had to deal with the same experience over and over again, to the point when I started seeing it as a routine in my life.
Back when I was in kindergarten, I experienced being left behind for a brief moment. During recess, I was left alone by a classmate. She came back immediately, only because I was crying. I was only a child then. And as I grew older, I’ve began to realize that not everyone who leaves comes back for you.
I grew up in a loving family. Though both of my parents were working, they made sure I was always accompanied at home. This is where “Mommy”, my aunt, comes in the story. She is someone who took care of me from the day I was born. I was so used to having her around that I couldn’t imagine my life without her. But eventually, I would have to learn how to let go.
It all happened in the summer of my second grade, when my brother and I, together with some relatives, went to Bicol for a vacation trip. Of course, Mommy was there too! It was a great vacation and there were so many memories to treasure!
As we were about to go home, Mommy approached me and told me something that would change my life. She told me that she wouldn’t go home to Manila with me. Bicol was now her new home. I also found out that she had my parents’ approval and I blamed them for it. Though we had a great time together, just like any other vacation, I knew there will always be an end to it. My heart was crushed and I felt that my relationship with Mommy has ended as well. I felt abandoned once again. But this time, no one came back for me.
During college, I had to go through the same thing again– the feeling of being abandoned. What’s worse, there friends who made me feel I was alone and unloved. It hurts to know that you’re not needed and loved anymore. And though it was too much to take, I kept it all to myself.
I have finally come to accept that abandonment is part of me.
The fear of being abandoned has become a normal entity in my life
to the point when I had to do it to someone else. Being Behind left behind is something, but leaving someone behind was worse. This is when I realized that there is Someone more important whom I left behind, and He was calling me back home, back to church.
I started going to church again, and it led me to attend another life-changing experience. This turning point happened during our Worship Night. The worship team was playing Matt Redman’s song, “Never Once,” and the lyrics pierced through my heart.
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
I found myself crying. I’ve had this fear of being alone, being abandoned. But through that song, I felt God telling me, “My child, you never walked on your own. When you think that no one was there for you, I was there beside you. I never left you. I have never forsaken you. I AM ALWAYS WITH YOU.” My eyes were filled with tears! It was a divine encounter with God. He allowed me to see Him, to experience Him, to be loved by Him, and I knew in my heart that He is enough for me. Despite everything, He welcomed me to His church. He gave me a spiritual family.
There are moments when I sit alone in services then someone would sit beside me. I felt that it was God who sent that person to show me that I am not alone. When I walk in the campus alone, I would talk to Him because I know He’s with me and that He’s listening.
On December 3, 2012, I fully surrendered my life to Him. He gave His life for me and it was now my turn to give it all for Him. Life has never been the same since that encounter with God. My relationship with Him made me have a better life. His love has changed me and my desire is for other people to experience the same love. I want them to have an encounter with God too. And I know that God will help me. I wouldn’t have to do this alone, because He is with me. He is my strength and my refuge. “You are faithful, God, You are faithful.”