Continuation…

There was coming a day when my wrong choices almost cost me my life.  But for the time being I continued to live the lie which caused great depression in my life, mainly because of the deep feelings of loneliness and emptiness inside of me.  Asking the Lord, “How long do I have to deal with these feelings and are they ever gonna’ go awayWill I ever experience wholeness, completeness and especially total unconditional love?”

No one knew what was going on inside of me.  I learned at an early age to keep everything to myself because if I didn’t, I’d run the risk of being hurt.  My dad was the same way.  He always told us when growing up, “never trust anyone.”  The only way I could express my deepest feelings was in my singing.  It was an emotional outlet for me.

In l979 I decided to move to Houston, Texas.  Nothing was happening in my life in California.  The doors were shut and there was no longer anything left to keep me there.  I still had Christian friends and asked them to keep me in prayer about my future.  I called my sister one night and asked her if she would like it if I moved out to Texas and live there with her and her family.  She was so surprised and said of course!  I had not discussed my plans with anyone.  When I made a decision that was it.  I had learned to be a survivor on my own without anyone’s help, or so I thought.

I got out to Texas and found a place to live along with a good job.  My sister was so good in helping me get settled in.  I did find a church by way of a woman I worked with who kind of took me under her wing.  But not soon enough I returned to my old habits -hanging out with the wrong people.  And the one thing I vowed I would not let happen to me did:  I found myself pregnant.  This was the same thing that happened with my sisters before they were married and now I was no better them.  I knew the father and I had decided years before that if  I ever found myself in this kind of situation I would have an abortion.

That’s exactly what I did.  I went to the father and told him my condition and what I was going to do to take care of it.  He did not argue with me and took me to have the abortion.  After all, it was my decision, which turned out to be the the biggest mistake of my life. Three days later I had to rush myself by way of yellow cab to the emergency room of a nearby hospital.  I was hemorrhaging profusely and had a fever of 106 degrees.  I couldn’t call anyone for help since no one knew of the abortion.  I called the father but he said he couldn’t get away from work.

In my darkest hour the Lord had not abandoned me.  He got me to the hospital in time and arranged for certain individuals to be used in the process of getting me there.  Having had the emergency surgery, I remained in the hospital for a week, and making the arrangements for my sister to come get me and take me home.  Again I lied about the hospital stay; no one knew the real reason why I was there.

During this time I came to know Jerry, a gentleman from church.  He moved into my apartment building and we became friends.  We went to the single activities together and he’d come by and pick me up for church and the activities we were both involved in.  Here was someone who was so different.  Someone who accepted me for who I am — not knowing of my past and treating me as a real friend.  I wanted to be married and raise a family.  After committing the sins that I had, I believed the lie of the enemy that the Lord would never send me a Godly husband because I was unworthy.  When Jesus went to the cross He died for all sins.

My friend’s husband asked me if I ever thought of getting married, and I answered, “Yes.” He said to me, “If you begin to pray and believe the Lord has a husband for you, He will answer that prayer request and I too will pray for your future husband as well.” That’s all I needed to hear. Though in the past I was forever choosing and dating men of  my choice, I finally gave it totally over to the Lord, trusting He would send that future husband to me.

Over the next few months Jerry and I began to see we had more then just a friendship, and we had both been praying earnestly for the Lord to show us what His plan was in all of this.    On October 11, l981 Jerry asked me to marry him and we were joined in holy matrimony on February 16, l982. Everyone who knew us in church were completely taken by surprise.  They had no idea the seriousness of our friendship.  I told Jerry when we were seeing each other outside of church I didn’t want folks to know because in the past I had been hurt too many times when certain relationships broke up and well meaning people wanted to know why.

Today Jerry and I are into our twenty-first year of marriage and we have two beautiful teenage daughters who also know the Lord.  The Lord truly has been good to me, to us.  Several years into our marriage I shared my past with Jerry and he said, “I know the Lord has forgiven you and so do I.”  And then he prayed over me.  I felt the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.  I had carried that secret with me for so long.

In all this, the Lord has given me the privilege to work with and minister to other post-abortive women through a post-abortive ministry for the past eight years.  It is a ministry that helps these women to know there is forgiveness and healing in Jesus Christ — that they do not need to carry their dark secret alone and by themselves any longer.  The enemy wants us to do that so we will continually feel and walk in shame and guilt.  But the Lord wants to set us free.  Back when I laid in that hospital recovering from a wrong choice that I made, I knew the Lord had spared my life.  I told my Heavenly Father, “I am so sorry for what I had done, to please forgive me and from this day on be the Lord of my life.  I will serve you in whatever capacity you see fit.”  And my life has never been the same since.

And yes, the Lord has also given me the privilege to use my singing for His glory – something He had planned right from the beginning.  The Lord will never disappoint us when we leave things in His hands.  His plan as far as my singing is concerned came in His timing, not mine.  He has not forgotten the desire of my heart and has opened a door for me.  The Lord’s timing is always perfect. I am redeemed and restored for His glory.

The Bible assures us that no sin is so great that the shed blood of Jesus won’t forgive it.  No amount of sins we’ve committed is too much for God to forgive either.