I grew up in a Christian family. However, life has not been a walk in the park for me. I come from a messy family background, which has resulted in a truckload of trust issues and insecurities. My perception on marriage, family, and love was distorted as well.
Experiencing deep-seeded hurts countless times, I started to live by a mantra: “Never trust a single soul”. I felt like no one was there for me and that everyone was out to hurt me. I relied entirely on myself and rarely asked help from anyone.
Furthermore, I didn’t like showing people what was really going on with my life. I was scared to be vulnerable and judged for who I really was. I got used to putting up a facade, convincing people that I was okay—until I started to believe the lies myself. I was deceived.
I thought I didn’t need saving. I became self-sufficient.
Growing up in a Christian school had its perks: I got to know God and myself more by reading the Bible. My relationship with Him grew but I always held back when it came to the aspect of trusting in Him completely. It felt like my heart was hardened by years of pain.
My problems at home and in school—on top of my never-ending list of insecurities–piled high. My relationship with God got strained as my problems progressed. My trust issues deteriorated and instead of lifting my burdens up to Him, I relied on myself all the more. Even worse was when I started to develop hatred towards God.
I tried to do my quiet time every day despite how I felt. I would really try my hardest to hold on to the Lord’s promises, but my situation made me doubt of what He had in store for me. I thought that there was no end to hurting and the pain that I felt. I began to think that God was indeed just like everybody else who made empty promises. And so, it came to a point where I totally stopped praying to God.
That did not go well for me since I became my own superhero; I started to worry a lot and when things didn’t go my way, I would get so frustrated. I would cry from all the self-inflicted stress while my grades started to drop and my relationships suffered as well.
One night, I told my best friend that I wanted to give up; I felt like everything was so messy and that there’s no point in trying anymore. She reminded me that we have a God who’s ready to carry our burdens for us but we have to be humble enough to surrender to Him. But I still didn’t listen. I continued to be self-reliant.
In spite of having a heavy heart, God spoke to me during one of the sessions at a youth camp. We were asked if we wanted to recommit our lives to Him. At that point, I realized how completely exhausting it was to always fend for myself. I knew I had to go back to Him and this time, I had to surrender fully.
Right now, my situation has not changed drastically but I am assured He is working in my life slowly but surely. Now, there is joy and peace in my heart that assures me that despite of the situation I am in, I will always have Someone who will never let me down.
I can finally sleep without having to worry about my grades, my future, and all those things I used to be anxious of. My relationship with God reached a whole different level; I started to see things in His perspective; I started to see Him as my superhero.
This also paved a way for me to bless other people. Eventually, I got out of my shell and now I’m learning to open up to others. I made new friends, served in a ministry, and my relationship towards my family even got better. I now see life as a blessing rather than a burden. I also realized that my story doesn’t have to be kept a secret: it can be shared so that I can be a blessing to those who go through the same thing.
I have learned to appreciate the meaning of Proverbs 31:25:
“Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.”
Now I live by a different mantra:
“We are more than conquerors through Christ who loves us”
In the face of many sufferings and trials in life, my soul is anchored in trusting God.
Source: 31 Girls is a Christian community for women where they share God’s love by aiming to be a safe place where girls can fell they’re not alone in what they are going through and that there is still joy after all the wrongs.