I was lost, hopeless, and blind. Everything felt temporary. A massive hole resided in my heart and I didn’t know what to do about it. I tried to fill that abyss with relationships, alcohol, and cigarettes. I fed it with things that felt good for a moment. I grew up thinking that everything comes to an end. I even have the word “END” tattooed on my wrist just to remind myself that the end is inevitable.

I came from a broken family. Ever since I was a child, unexpected events would always remind me of the broken home I came from. My parents were absent during my high school graduation. I had broken friendships and no shoulders to lean on, especially when anxiety knocks me down. It was undeniable that I was looking for love. I longed for words that would assure me that love surpasses the sorrows inside my feeble heart. Pain became my companion. Since I was a 6-year-old boy, I started to believe that all things would come to an end because nobody assured me that it won’t. Every day, I tried to remind myself that everything will be okay, that good things are just around the corner. “Smile, just smile.” “Believe in people’s best.” “Open up to people.” But a constant whisper keeps ringing in my head, telling me “Why invest in relationships? Nothing lasts forever.”

That lie became the truth for me because of the unsatisfied longing and pain that just wouldn’t go away. I would always remember the people who deserted me and my family who would not listen. I believed the lie that love is not my thing. People will eventually leave. Everything is temporary. I even pushed away the people closest to me. I built concrete walls around me. I burned bridges. I was miserable.

I knew about Jesus but I did not have a relationship with Him. When I was still a college student, I attended bible studies, went to church and spent time with believers. I thought it was enough. Apparently, it was not. I was still full of pride that I can do things on my own, I still fed my lust, and I still told lies to people just to hide how I felt. I stopped going to church when I graduated and landed a job. However, I resigned after 6 months because of health problems.

In 2013, I joined another church. I had no idea that church could be fun and engaging. The first time I attended a service, I saw a video about volunteers’ sign-up and I registered to volunteer for the music ministry. I auditioned and got in. I attended a bible group again and became a disciple. At first, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. But, it was actually where God revealed Himself to me.

I went through a personal discipleship where I learned the basics of Christianity and eventually got baptized in April 2015. On my way to publicly declaring that Jesus is my Lord and Savior, the massive hole that I thought was the only permanent thing in my life was filled with something that is not tangible. It was not filled with God’s provision, His people, and the memories I have in church.

It was filled with Jesus Himself.

The love that I longed for, He provided. He became my portion. He became my best friend. He became my prize. He became my everything. He made me realize that apart from Him, I would still be as I was – lost, hopeless, and blind. He revealed to me my need not just for a Savior, but a Redeemer.

He redeemed me from my sins and of my past.  He knows my sinful nature yet He chose to love me.

I could not comprehend that the Creator of the universe would look at me with love and would stretch out His hand to save me from myself.

Yes, everything else in this world is temporary, but I now have Someone who is eternal and Someone who overcame the world to express His love for me. I have tasted His goodness indeed. I experienced being submerged into the living water. I am in great devotion knowing that while I was still at my worst, God chose me to be His son.

“But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:8