I was born and raised in a Christian home where both parents had always been actively involved in church ministry. My mom is a worship leader and my dad is a deacon back in our home-church. I have three siblings after me—a brother and two sisters. My friends and family always saw me as one happy-go-lucky-girl who never worries about anything…or so they thought. I grew up learning about Jesus, but never really got to know who He is.
At a young age, I was exposed to immorality. When I was around 6 years old, a family friend who was 40 years old sexually molested me. I was on my way to my uncle’s house who is just our neighbor when this family friend saw me and told me attend a children’s birthday party with him. Before I could respond, he grabbed my hand and started walking. He brought me to his friend’s house and the rest was history. My parents, who were looking for me the whole time, asked where I was and what happened. I didn’t tell them anything except that I was with this family friend. I couldn’t explain the look on their faces. Apparently, the guy was known to have rape cases and pedophilia.
This affected my life on many levels: I jumped from one relationship to another during my teenage years thinking that it wasn’t a big deal since I was already broken anyway. This led to dishonoring my parents and being a bad example to my siblings. After all those pointless affairs, I found myself disgusted with what I’ve become.
I remember kneeling on my bed, crying out to God to make Himself known to me and begging Him to cleanse me and still accept me despite my filthiness. It was then that I surrendered my life to Jesus. I walked with the Lord and meditated on His word day and night.
Then there came a time in my life when a guy wanted to pursue me. He was a pastor’s son and I’ve had this huge crush on him for years. As someone who was brought up with Christian values, I knew that stuff like that ought to be prayed for.
When I entered college, this guy pursued me, and it felt like a fairytale come to life. He was perfect in my eyes. We were together for almost 4 years. However, we got so intimate that I was able to tell him everything about my life, including my past. He accepted me wholly. But along those years, we gave into impurity and most of our relationship revolved around it. I refused to acknowledge that we were sinning. I also did not lift it up in prayer because I was afraid of what I had to let go. It was against my will. But with the Holy Spirit’s constant conviction on my heart and with the help of wise counsel from mature believers, I finally prayed about it and reconsidered my ways.
I expected my conversation with the Lord to be answerable by yes or no, but He revealed to me that what held me back was fear. Fear of losing the guy who saw all my flaws, fear of losing all those years that I poured my heart into, and the fear of not being seen as pure again. But our ever-faithful God assured me in of His word in Isaiah 7:25,
“And as for all the hills that used to be hoed with a hoe, you will not come there for fear of briers and thorns, but they will become a place where cattle are let loose and where sheep tread.”
With this, my heart broke as the Lord opened my eyes to how I’ve been breaking His heart for years. More than the fear of losing this guy, I was certain that I doubted His faithfulness—should I decide to turn and run to Him. I wasn’t sure if He would hear my second cry but the Lord assured me that He was giving me a second chance.
With a trusting heart, I talked to my boyfriend then. I told him that perhaps, it was the right time to grow in the Lord individually. I pointed out that we knew ourselves all too well that if we stayed together, purity wouldn’t be possible at that time.
As expected, it didn’t go lightly for the both of us. It was a heavy conversation; tears flowed as our years together weighed on us. However, by the grace of God, the talk ended well. Although, there were a lot of things that God revealed to the both of us individually from the time we broke up to the last time we talked, His movement in our lives were evident, proving that obeying Him was the right thing to do. I can say that more than anything, we ended well. It’s been almost 3 years since I became single. It feels like I’ve been discovering a lot of the single life such as serving the Lord in the ministries He has called me to.
My relationship with the Lord has never been so intimate. Walking with Jesus and having the mindset and identity of wholeness in Him despite not having someone is definitely something that I wouldn’t trade for anything less.
If the Lord wills it in the future, He will bring me to a man who will not just pursue me, but who runs after The Lord’s own heart; someone who will lead me to Christ and not to sin. Most importantly, that God would bring a man who puts Jesus above all and at the center of everything.
“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”