ON MY KNEES: I TOUCH THE SKY
It was March 6th of 2015. A day before my birthday. Despite the party the office threw for me and fellow March celebrants, I wasn’t sincerely happy. I was waiting for a meeting with the boss. The wait was dreadful, and the meeting more so.
I don’t really want to go into detail, but suffice it to say that meeting was the final nail in the coffin for me. I felt like a rug was pulled from under me. I wouldn’t go as far to say I became depressed – but I certainly began to doubt my capabilities. As someone who’s always been naturally resilient, I felt very ill-equipped to deal with something so unjust and angering.
I’m nowhere near 100% recovered from the experience . I’m probably traumatized and really would rather not see this former boss of mine for fear of an awkward encounter. Just in the past few weeks, in the middle of all my strong swirling emotions, I’ve teetered from calm to angry to murderous in a minute. But difficult as it has been, I choose more frequently to just bring this matter to God. All my questions, my fury, my worries, my doubts. Am I ever going to recover? Can I really just walk away without seeing vengeance done? And the ever important – do I really need to forgive? I clung for life to Jeremiah 29:13 that says, “You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.” I really, really wanted to know. And I really, really wanted the Lord to tell me.
But something wonderful happens during prayer. One of my favorite quotes says “Prayer doesn’t change God or the situation, but it changes me” and it is absolutely true. In all those times I’ve gone down on my knees in tears and frustration, I didn’t receive revelations about how to change my circumstance or a sudden desire to forgive. I didn’t instantly have the insight that this was a lesson and I didn’t have a sudden appreciation for it. What I did get instead was a deeper understanding of God’s sovereignty.
Sovereignty is defined as supreme power or authority.
The Bible has a wonderful example of that in Ephesians 1:11, “In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will…”
Knowing that God is in control gives me so much peace. Because He knows the hairs on my head, watches me while I sleep. He is pleased to bless me. He is in control. He is sovereign.
I realize the world will always have things to say about you. People will not always treat you right. But something clicked when He reminded me that I am His—an heiress, a princess, a conqueror. I am made victorious because of His righteousness. Not so I can boast, but so I can have peace and faith and blessing and healing. So I can even forgive.
And that’s exactly what prayer can do. It didn’t change my circumstance but because I pray to a powerful and sovereign God, it gave me a deeper understanding of who He is. I am able to see my life through His eyes. This direct line to Him, this ability to call on Him whenever my heart was in pain or even when I had nothing of importance to say, this connection I have as His daughter has allowed me to live my faith more boldly and even peacefully. If all I can do is go on my knees in prayer, there’s no place I’d rather be.
Writer’s Bio: Patricia Malay has been a gallerist, an amateur singer, an event producer and director, and even a radio DJ for Jam 88.3 (she won a Golden Dove Award)! She now works as a Business Director for a prominent communications agency.